A Light Bulb Moment

Being a parent is a roller coaster ride – it has it’s high’s and low’s, it’s moments of thrilling joy – and terror.

But it’s a roller coaster that I am so thankful that I get to go on.

I have learned more about God through being a Mommy than I had ever thought possible.  And with two completely opposite girls, well, I am learning a bit about myself too.

We have one child who truly has a servant’s heart.  She will clear the table without being asked, she will share just about annything she has with others, and her goal in life seems to be to make others happy.  And we have one who has a master’s heart.  She wants to be served, to make all of her own decisions, and she only wants people on her terms.  Like a 9:30 at night when she is supposed to have been asleep for an hour – yep, that’s when she wants to have deep, meaningful conversations.

Don’t get me wrong, she has amazing qualities of her own.  She cares deeply, she is very artistic and creative, and she is the friend that will defend you to the end (or the mortal enemy that will fight until the end!)  The struggle of parenting her though is much more of a struggle.

So, knowing that I have a child with a low self-worth, who expects to have everything go her way and then decides that the world hates her when it doesn’t, and knowing that it’s apparently not something we did as parents that made her this way, what advice would you give?

Well, I finally figured something out this weekend.  I was talking with a friend a few weeks ago about this very topic, and was advised to figure out how to make her think that she is the one making the choices in her life.  The majority of our battles come from her being told to do something, and her not wanting to be told what to do.  However, when you are a child, well, let’s just say that a family isn’t a democracy, nor is it anarchy.  At least it shouldn’t be.  A family is a monarchy – ruled from the head down.

When you are living in a monarchy, it’s not very typical to see the peasant’s making the decisions instead of the king, correct?  But what about the daughter of the king?

Ah, there’s the rub.

The daughter of the king wants to have a little pull, to flex a little decision-making muscle.  After all, if her Daddy is the king, she should have some power, right?

It could just work.

I decided to try a new tactic this weekend – almost by accident.  When it comes to things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things I’ve decided that I’m not going to fight it.  I’m not going to force my will upon her.  I’m not going to suck the air out of the room and scream & yell (not that I do that!) and force her to bend to my will.  Nope… I’m just not going to care.

And somehow, it worked.

On the non-essentials I. Don’t. Care.

I don’t care if she refuses to dress up for church (I used to – biiiiig family battles as I was walking out the door to lead worship and leaving her Daddy to clean up the emotional mess and get her dressed – usually in what I had said no to).  I don’t care if she folds her socks & underwear nicely before taking them to her room.  I don’t care that she loads the dishwasher in a way that totally drives me bonkers (well, at least I try not to let her see it!) and it seems to be working!  She gets to choose how she does these things and they are getting done without a fight.

This morning she didn’t want to get out of bed on time.  She wanted to stay home and get a couple more hours of sleep and then “miraculously” feel better around 10 am.  The problem with that today – beyond missing the beginning of school and letting her practice laziness and hone her skills at manipulation – is that I don’t have a car.  I have no way of getting her to school if she doesn’t ride the bus.  Ah, so she’s sure she can get her way.  She’s figuring that she can get a couple more hours of sleep, get up around 10 or so, and watch movies, play Wii, etc.

That won’t be happening.

I told her once she had eaten breakfast and was pretty much ready for school we would talk about it.  As I walked out of her room to send her sister off to school I told her that she would be spending the day in her room – ALL day – but that it was her choice. After all, she could always spend it cleaning her room.

As I was watching her sister walk down the hill towards the bus stop this morning I heard a mad scramble to grab the already-prepared lunch box and shove it into her book bag as she slipped on some shoes.  She chose to go to school.

And because I didn’t care, she didn’t feel that she was being forced to do it.  She looked at the choices before her and decided that school was the better one.

There was no battle of wills, there was no fight.  And I now get to have a peaceful day of work instead of a day of constant struggle against her wanting to do what I said she couldn’t do.  And she gets to go to school and learn.

It’s like a win-win.

I know that some reading this might have a problem with allowing kids to make more choices and “get their way,” but I can assure you that on the issues that matter there is no choice.  On the issues that matter they are given the “choice” between doing what they need to do and punishment.  But on the little things that don’t matter we are letting them learn to make decisions for themselves so that as they grow up and have to make those bigger choices, well, hopefully they will have learned enough about making choices that whey will make the right ones.